Welcome to the 'LaughWorks'

[jell691]

Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O'Flynn.
The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun, too!"
"Oh, no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know."
O'Flynn smiles, nods and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.
Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.
"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation!"
"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna ****."

[desan]

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

[desan]

Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars!
"This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"
Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."
The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.
"Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"

[desan]

Q:What do you call a man with three balls?
A:A juggler

[Nitrain]

Jell and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing
> trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
> because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name
> calling, Jell headed home frustrated.
> The following week when Jell's buddies arrived at the lake they were
shocked
> to see Jell. He was already sitting on the
> dock , fishing rod in hand, and drinking a beer.
> His buddies asked, "How did you talk your missus into letting you go
Jell?"
> Jell replied.
> Last night I came home and slumped down in my
> chair with a beer to drown my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go
> fishing.
> Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
> 'Surprise'.
> When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
> through negligee and she said, Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to
> the bed and you can do whatever you want'......
>
> SO I DID AND HERE I AM!

[Crystal Dragon]

"Southern 101"





Southern women know their summer weather report:
Hot

Humid
Hot & Humid

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick


Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
Nascar


Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:
Onlya Southerner knows the difference between ahissie fit and aconniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them..
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc.., make up "a mess."
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of"yonder."
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long"directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when"by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between"right near" and"a right far piece." They also know that"just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20
_____

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that"fixin"can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb..
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, .... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage..
_____

In the South,y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say"sweet tea"and"sweet milk."Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.
_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____



And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."


all ya'll take care now, ya hear?

[jell691]

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."

So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"

He said, "Why yes I am!"

She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!

[jell691]

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there she undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same thing happens. She is just standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "Why the black condom?"

He replies, "I am going to offer my condolences."

[jell691]

Two doctors are walking down the corridor of the hospital.
First doc asks, "Did you tell that lawyer in room 316 that he was going to die?"
"Sure did", second one answers.
First doc says, "Darn! I wanted to tell him!"

[jell691]

I was watching a woman in Waterstone's cafe breast feeding. "What are you staring at?" she asked. "This is just a normal bodily function."
Yet she called security on me when I pissed in her latte.

[jell691]

I recently took up meditation.
It beats sitting around doing nothing.

[desan]

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.

Q: What will a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: It's the only car name they can spell.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Introduces herself.

Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

[desan]

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

[tiger-55]

A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy. The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?" The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband." The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's d!ck."

[desan]

Yo momma's so ugly,
just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

[desan]

Yo momma's so ugly,
she made an onion cry.

[desan]

AN ENGLISH/CHINESE INTERPRETOR

Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

• Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

• Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

• I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni

• Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?

• An unauthorized execution
Lin Ching

• I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

• He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka

• I think you need a facelift
Chin Tu Fat

jell601 hope you had a great 4th here are some to enjoy

HA ha ha ha ha ha

[jose2001]

good onen my friend friend s

[atabo40]

Ignore your rights & they WILL go away.
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of

President Obama. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full

Investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in

Congressional spending, a special Presidential commission

Presented the following findings: The stamp is in perfect

Order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive:

People are spitting on the wrong side.

[jell691]

Stick your tongue out.
Move it up and down.
Relax.
Now move it left and right.
Well done! You have now completed Christopher Reeve's workout video.