Welcome to the 'LaughWorks'

[zekester]

BLONDS AND PUZZLES

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'


Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle...

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .


'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

[buddyjh]

DUMMIES AMONG US

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months,
saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26
million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's
lacking intelligence?

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours
attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself
inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,
officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in
the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give
yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw
money...from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the
take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked
the counter himself for three hours until police showed up
and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the
words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man
shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man
shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was
arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch
without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to
simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his
hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some
folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how
hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft.
Bayliner to perform. It was very sluggish in almost every
manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied. After
about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a
nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what
was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in
perfect working condition.
The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down,
the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the
marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He
came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW
REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE! Under the boat, still strapped
securely in place...was the trailer.

[buddyjh]

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.


The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota .'


Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'


His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'


The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'


The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'


The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

[blackbart]

How to catch a catfish

[jell691]

now thats fishin!!!

[RICKSBEACH]

fishin?
ROLLIN....ROLLIN...ROLLIN...

[dt8350]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'

[ccelectro]

Why did the Chicken cross the road? To show the Opossum it could be done.

[tiger-55]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

[tiger-55]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, Da*m, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

[Victor Hugo]

Great idea thanks CG. and Jell.

[Victor Hugo]

Gender Differences

An English teacher wrote the words, 'Woman without her man is nothing' on the blackboard and asked the students to punctuate so that it made sense.
The boys wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.'
The girls wrote: 'Woman! Without her, man is nothing.'

[Victor Hugo]

A Good Joke About a Husband

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't. He just walked in the door.'

[buddyjh]

LOOK AFTER YOUR WIFE...

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

My wife's pain in the azz friend came to visit. Val saw us and was so upset that she yelled at me, "You lazy *****! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your fat arse and give her a break!"

I thought 'Sh*t women!' Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms to sod off and mind her own business. I told her my wife had green fingers and that she really enjoyed gardening.

After a few days I felt really bad, so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my senstive side. I'm really proud of the deal I got and also very proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys, we should take good care of our wives... then maybe they'll take good care of us.

I've attached a picture below...hope it comes through OK

[marty napier]

dog watch

guest: "why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"


hotel host: "i can't imagine, unless it,s because you have the plate he usually eats from."

[epv]

[buddyjh]

The Helpful Wife
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

[tiger-55]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[tiger-55]

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That�s a good piece of fir." "Correct,� says the manager, �now try this one." "That�s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,� says the blind man, �Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her *** in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you�re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It�s the **** house door off a tuna boat!"

[dt8350]

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby". The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'

Yes, the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses'.