[jell691]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: “Pierre, kiss me!” Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.

“What are you doing, Pierre?”, says the startled Marie.

“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

“Pierre! What are you doing?’, asks the bewildered Marie.

“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!”

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me lower!”

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,

“PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”

“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!”

[jell691]

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next
morning found out that she was six months pregnant.

[jell691]

Question: What is 1 + 2 ?

Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures, you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.

Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.

Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.

[jell691]

The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize... you guessed it.... his three cats in the bathtub.
The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old family tom cat rebelled.
The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally got away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded with the "ceremony."
But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching the boy's face.
Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him on the floor in disgust and said, "Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"

[jell691]

In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve.
"Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he didn't cut that **** out, I'd kick his ****ing *** to the moon."

[jell691]

A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it.
After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.
"And on the third day . . . " he began.
Everyone hollers, "No! No! Start with the first day!"
"And on the third day," the private continues, "she asked me to stop so she could go to the bathroom."

[jc7257]

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man
who
shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely

jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that
to
make himself well known to her, he
attempted to assassinate President
Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter
from
Nancy Reagan to the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley

reports
to have intercepted:
*
*
*


To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how
pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.

In
our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you
to
know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness
throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne

against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of
how
the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of
desperation. We are confident that you
will soon make a complete
recovery
and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and
productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family


P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been

banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to
look into that.

[jell691]

What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!

[jell691]

What's the biggest drawback in the jungle?

The Elephants foreskin.

[jell691]

This male prostitute contracted leprosy.
He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.

[jell691]

Gettin' married is like getting into a bath tub.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

[blackbart]

True that Jell!!

[jell691]

Q: What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 14 inch ****?
A: Nothing. They all make woman's eyes water.

[buddyjh]

>> Boudreaux and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming
>> > fishing trip.
>> >
>> >
>> > Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time > because
>> > his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling,
>> > Boudreaux headed home frustrated and depressed.
>> >
>> > Friday afternoon when Boudreaux's buddies arrived at the camp on Bayou
>> > deCade, they were shocked to see Boudreaux. He was already sitting on > the
>> > dock with a cold beer, feet propped up on his ice chest, fishing rod > in
>> > hand, and a fire glowing on the BBQ pit. "How did you talk your > missus
>> > into letting you go Boudreaux?"
>> >
>> > "I didn't have to," Boudreaux replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I
>> > went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my > sorrows
>> > because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me,
>> > covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."
>> >
>> > "When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful > see
>> > through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to > the
>> > bed and you can do whatever you want'..... So, Here I am!"

[atabo40]

Panties on a Plane

Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all , but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I get on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floeesant orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.........

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing any panties cos, honey, dey always look for da Black Box first'

[atabo40]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)



Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,' --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'

--Mariah Carey

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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,



'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'

--A congressional candidate in Texas .

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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix '

-- Dan Quayle

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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'

--Lee Iacocca

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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'

--Keppel Enderbery

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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[jell691]

Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?

The cats keep covering them up with sand!

[jell691]

A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a park.

The witness: They were ****ing your honor The judge: Could the witness put it in a more Sheakspearian way:
The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear Until tiny sounds came to my ear There was this couple on the ground there and his balls were dangling in the air and you know his what was in her you know where If that wasn't ****ing your Honor I wasn't there

[jell691]

What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating:
1- Remove your lap top from its bag
2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully
3- Turn on
4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching
5- Turn on the Internet
6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer
7- Take a deep breath and open this site
The End!!!!
8-Observe the facial expression of your neighbouring passenger.

[jell691]

My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ***, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair.
Man was she upset; I guess we don't watch the same movies.