Welcome to the 'LaughWorks'

[jell691]

I hate those places where you’re not allowed to touch the girls while they’re stripping.
That’s why I’ve stopped going to the changing rooms in walmart.

[lonster]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband (soaking wet)

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband..

'Over here on the swing!' replied the drunk.

[jell691]

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car
is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,
dirt and blood. He asks his friend,
"What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about
the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

[jell691]

Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"

"He turned blue and shat on the carpet."

[jell691]

Two women were talking about the new hunk in the neighbourhood.
"But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs."
"Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

[mxyplyx]

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'

Customer says, 'Female.'

Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?

Customer says, 'White.'

Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

[jell691]

Night Out Permission Slips

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GIRLS

Name of Girlfriend/Fiancé/Partner/Wife:

I’m going out.

Signed: (me) _____________________________



APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:

Date:
Time of departure:
Time of return NOT to exceed:.............

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.

Amount of alcohol allowed (units)
Beer
Wine
Liquor
Total

Locations to be visited:-
1..From..............To..........
2..From..............To..........
3..From..............To..........

Females with whom conversation is permitted.................... ..................... ..................... ......................

IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Not withstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimited shopping spree, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.

Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:.......................................... ................................

Request is: APPROVED / DENIED

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.

��……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:

Date: Time of departure: Time of return:

Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:

Location: From: To:

Location: From: To:

Location: From: To:

[jell691]

What came first, internet porn or 'clear all search history?'

[jell691]

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering.
98 of them said, "How the **** did you get in here?"

[jell691]

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."

[jell691]

Definition of pressure:
A wife, a mistress and a mortgage.
All one month late……

[jell691]

Life is like a box of chocolates.
**** if you're diabetic.

[jell691]

I was so excited to see that during the Olympics there was an event called the 'women's snatch'.
Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be a bunch of hairy Eastern European boilers lifting weights.
Still, a wank's a wank.

[atabo40]

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock !
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

[atabo40]

Potato Prostitute







Two little potatoes are standing
on the street corner. One is a
prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

You're gonna love it...








It's the one with the little sticker that says...

I - DA - HO

[atabo40]

Hi there,

I thought that you would like to hear this from me and not
from someone else. I know what you are probably thinking.
This is supposed to be a secret, but the truth will eventually come out......

Anyway guess who is due in 2 months????????????

[ATTACH]19923[/ATTACH]

Santa Claus
Gotcha!!!

[jell691]

An actual mailing:

Greetings,
You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS".
As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor
system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this
virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thank you for your cooperation.

[jell691]

Pat O'Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a
building site.

When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a
goat and spent the night with a prostitute.

The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell
all.

When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our
Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to
put $20 in the poor box.

Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for
San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to
be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly.

After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory.

At the end of his first week on his new job Pat's wages were more
than double anything he'd made before.

Off he goes for a night on the town.

Gets drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute.

Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for
confession.

After hearing Pat's confession the priest tells him to say a couple
of Our Father's and drop a dollar in the poor box.

"But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty
Our fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I
had to fork over $20."

"Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know aboout drinkin'
and ****in ' in Philadelphia."

[jell691]

Have you heard about the new lesbian tennis shoe called "Dyke" Yeah!
It has an extra long tongue and it only takes one finger to get it off.

[jell691]

A blonde called in a repairman to fix her electric clock.He examined
it and told her, "There's nothing wrong with the clock. You didn't
have it plugged in."She replied, "I don't want to waste electricity,
so I only plug it in when I want to know what time it is."