Welcome to the 'LaughWorks'

[atabo40]

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

[jell691]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on teleivision this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.
__________________

[jell691]

what do you call a vegan that jerks off?
...
A non-dairy creamer.

[jell691]

A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

[jell691]

Q: Why did God make man before woman?
A: To give him enough time to think of an answer to her first question.

[jell691]

I went out to the shop earlier to buy a book- `101 ways to improve your confidence.`
I couldn't buy it though, the guy at the till would have laughed at me.

[jell691]

One morning a little girl ran inside and said "Daddy, Daddy my sister and
the man you hired last week are up on the hay loft in the barn on all that
new hay we just bought. She has her dress up and he has his pants down. I
think they are about to piss all over that new hay!"

[jell691]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following;
"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together.
I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more."

"You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

[atabo40]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job." The social worker
behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job
opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the
long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday
trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be
provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is
$200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bull ****tin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well .. . . you started it."

[atabo40]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

[jell691]

The WWF advert asks, "When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?"
Well, swimming, I suppose.

[jell691]

I accidentally sent a picture of my **** to everyone in my address book today.
Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

[jell691]

I'm kinda pissed at my girlfriend. She got a new shirt today. It reads:
Stop staring at my tits
IN BRAILLE...

[jell691]

My mum said to me today: "I had no idea how bad your cold was until I found a load of snotty tissues down the side of your bed."
Bless her innocence.

[jell691]

In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that
indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature
bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing
firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind
the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage,
yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything
about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the
counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her
finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The
three wise men came from afar.'"

[jell691]

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and
a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to
sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give
me the broom, I'll show you how."

[jell691]

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

[jell691]

I was at a urinal when I realized standing to my left was Muhammad Ali and to my right was Michael J. Fox.
Bad day to wear sandals.

[jell691]

I turned on my side and, breathless with a big grin, said to my wife: "I've not had sex like that since we were first married!!"
Then I laughed at her and put the phone down.

[jell691]

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?

New Age music.