Jokes

[ucan2]

Notes kids take to school. My son is under a doctors care and should not take pe today, please execute him. And also Dear schoollease ecsc"s John being absent on Jan 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

[Tirconnell]

police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,
sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise
control at 60."


Not looking up from her knitting , the wife says: "Now
don't be silly dear, you know that
this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket , the driver
looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please
keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the
illegal radar detector unit,
the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"


The officer frowns and says,
"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt,
sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you
see officer,

I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so
that I could get
my license out of my back pocket "


The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you
didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,

"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"




"Only when he's been drinking."

AREN'T WIVES WONDERFUL???

[Tirconnell]

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances
should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass
ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors
interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time
passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:



>>>______a cold beer
>>>______a margarita
>>>______a scotch
>>>______a martini
>>>______a vodka and tonic
>>>______a steak
>>>______lobster or shrimp
>>>______the remote control
>>>______a bowl of ice cream
>>>______the sports page
>>>______chocolate
>>>______sex



it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.


>>>Signature: ___________________________

>>>Date: ___________________________

[Tirconnell]

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those Fecking kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good $hit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh $hit what the hell happened?"

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old a$$

[Tirconnell]

10 -Life is sexually transmitted.



9 -Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die



8 -Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.



7- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.



6 -Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.



5 -Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing



4 -All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.



3 -Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents???



2 -In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.



And The Number One Thought For 2007:



1- We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration

[Tirconnell]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the
kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes
crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no
success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up
your Fecking mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[Tirconnell]

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:!
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[ucan2]

Two guys sitting on stools barely able to hang on to the bar were talking and one says he heard that lions have sex 10-15 times a night. The other guy says that is just my luck,I just joined Kiwanis.

[Tirconnell]

"True Friendship"


(With none of that Sissy Crap!!!! )


Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want catch whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy A$$ .

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.



And remember...when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over !!!!!

[Tirconnell]

Name: ___________________ __ Date: _______________


___________________ ___________________ _______________
KNOWLEDGE:__ Really knows what he's doing.
__ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
__ Only half a brain and is dangerous.
__ His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.


___________________ ___________________ _______________
ACCURACY: __ Does excellent work is not preoccupied.
__ Pretty good accuracy with large numbers.
__ Must take off shoes to count above ten.
__ What's a number?


___________________ ___________________ _______________
ATTITUDE: __ Extremely co-operative.
__ Brown noser in good standing.
__ Often annoys co-workers and fights.
__ Doesn't care, never did, never will.


___________________ ___________________ _______________
RELIABILE:__ Works so hard he gets extra days off.
__ Very dependable.
__ Rely on his being first one out the door.
__ Absolutely totally worthless.


________________ ___________________ _______________
APPEARANCE: __ Extremely neat and clean.
__ Looks great on his day off.
__ Flies take him over fresh manure.
__ Dirt, filthy, smelly, and ugly.


___________________ ___________________ _______________
PERFORMANCE: __ Works hard if money is involved.
__ Does great work--at evaluation time.
__ Works well after ten cups of coffee.
__ Couldn't do less if he were in a coma.


___________________ ___________________ _______________
LEADERSHIP: __ Carries chainsaw and gets good results.
__ Macho attitude. Commands total disgust.
__ One time some listened to him whine.
__ Unable to lead even the most ignorant.


________________ ___________________ _______________



I understand that I have been counseled and understand
my rights under the privacy act of 1974. I further
acknowledge that I am as stupid as a football bat,
and I will make some attempt to correct my deficiencies.




___________________ ___________________ _
Employee signature

[Tirconnell]

A stupid question deserves an appropriate answer....


I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever
and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the
hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car
hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

[Tirconnell]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Tirconnell]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. . Two men
and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. . Kill Her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."