Jokes

[Tirconnell]

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd.

In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it's brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first....

So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain.

The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.

If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn't it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints?

[grasshopper]

Two good old boys down in White Hall , Arkansas were sitting around
talking one afternoon over a cold beer...After a while the 1st guy said to
the 2nd guy, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and
make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a
baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, then scratched his
head and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about t he question.
Finally, he replied, "Well, I don't know about making us kin, but it
sure would make us even."

[BBMACk]

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named
because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone!

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot a
and said, "Good morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next
day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

the word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when
she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't
die!

What is the moral of this story?



OH, 'Come on'...take a guess!


Think about it ..


(You're going to love this!)


And the moral is


...You can't kill two birds with one stone.

[grasshopper]

Originally Posted by BBMACk

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named
because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone!

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot a
and said, "Good morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next
day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

the word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when
she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't
die!

What is the moral of this story?



OH, 'Come on'...take a guess!


Think about it ..


(You're going to love this!)


And the moral is


...You can't kill two birds with one stone.

Good one, BB

[grisza13]

if y got gogle eart y can se somting write this in fly to;
37 25'20.42"n122 05'06.07"w or
42 38'12.24"n2 57'27.06"e
60 18 21.61"n165 44'45.39"w

[NEW TO TV]

A man went to the doctor and was diagnosed as having cancer. the doctor proceeded to tell him that he had a year to live. The man asked the doctor what he should do and the doctor replied marry the naggingest woman you can find. The man asked him will that make me live longer? The doctor replied "No but it will make it seem forever"

[Tirconnell]

Dictionary for Women



DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49

Adventurous - Slept with everyone

Athletic - No tits

Average looking - Ugly

Beautiful - Pathological liar

Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure - On medication

Feminist - Fat

Free spirit - Junkie

Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person

Fun - Annoying

New Age - Body hair in the wrong places

Open-minded - Desperate

Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate - Sloppy drunk

Professional - Femanatzi

Voluptuous - Very Fat

Large frame - Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate - Stalker



WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?



MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay



And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

[Tirconnell]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.


2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.


3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.


4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.


5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.


6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."


7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.


8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.


9. Your junior prom offered day care..


10. You think the last words of the 'Star-Spangled Banner' are "Gentlemen, start your engines."


11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.


12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.


13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.


14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.


15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.


16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.


17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


.


And Finally;


An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor asked them why would they choose to do this after nine children.


The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

[Tirconnell]

TO BE 6 AGAIN


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,

observing his wife turning back

and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he

asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again,she replied,

still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose

early, made her a nice big bowl of

Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six

Flags theme park. What a day ! He

put her on every ride in the park; the

Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the

Screaming Monster Roller Coaster...

everything there was. Five hours

Later they staggered out of the theme

park. Her head was reeling and her

stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's

where he ordered her a Happy Meal with

extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a

soda pop, and her favorite candy,

M&M's What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her

husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big

smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear,

what was it like being six again ??

Her eyes slowly opened and her

expression suddenly changed.

I meant my Dress Size, you dumb fecker !!


The moral of the story: Even when a

man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

[NEW TO TV]

I found two interesting books in the library:
Thirty Yards To The Outhouse by Willie Makeit
Swinging Clothes Line by Betty Dont

[Tirconnell]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted!

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[Tirconnell]

In case you want to apply at WalMart



WAL-MART APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old
senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME: Kenneth Way Grumpyfecker


SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman
(or at least one who will cooperate)


DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice
President.
But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be
picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?


DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and
a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible,
make an offer and we can haggle.


EDUCATION: Yes.


LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.


PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.


MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of
stolen pens and post-it notes.


REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.


HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.


PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m.
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.


DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're
better suited to a more intimate environment.


MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS T