Jokes

[grasshopper]

If you want to share something funny, jokes... so we are all going to laugh... Please post here.

Thanks everyone

[grasshopper]

A teacher received a note from tommy's mother as to why he wasn't in school. The note said Tommy was not in school yesterday as he had diarrhea and his boots leak. Love it.

Ucan2 get credit for this Joke

[grasshopper]

He's 80, she's 20.*

*It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old
girl. **
After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How
do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again.
The same nurse said: "You're amazing! How do you do it?"
He again said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse then said: "Well, well, well!!! You certainly are quite a man!"
He responded again, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."*

[grasshopper]

Three scientists are sitting at a bar discussing what is the fastest thing in the world. The first scientist says" the human brain is the fastest. It can process things faster then anything". The others agree that it's pretty fast.

The second scientist says" The human eye is the fastest. Your eyes can blink so fast that you don't even realize it". The others agree that the human eye is very fast.

The third scientist says "You both have good answers but the fastest thing in the world is electricity. When you flick a light switch, the light turns on with no delay at all". They agree that electricity is the fastest.

A guy at the end of the bar heard the dicussion and says "You're all wrong. The fastest thing in the world is diarhea". The scientists look at each other thinking this guy is hammered at doesn't know what he is talking about.

The guy says " Well explain this. The other day I was watching t.v. at home and all of a sudden it hit me. I ran for the bathroom and before I could think, blink, or flick a light switch............I crapped my pants."

[bdolphin1]

Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers

This one is for everyone who
a) has kids b) had kids c) was a kid d) knows a kid
e) is
going to have kids

I was packing for my business trip and my 3 year old daughter was
having a
wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
To keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
Pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her
fingers
with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

[Tirconnell]

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual
to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in
and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of
them would get the job.


The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"


Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT.
It just pops into your head. There is no warning that it's on the way;
it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."


"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked
the second man.


"Hmm ... Let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."


"Ex cellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed."


He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.


"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."


The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.


Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.


Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."


"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.


"Oh, I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK,
BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** in my pants."


Old Bubba is the new "Greeter" at the Lake Ellsinore Wal-Mart

[Tirconnell]

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone
would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those
who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

[Tirconnell]

A letter sent by Walmart to a customer -


Dear Mrs. Murphy ,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Murphy , has
been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the
trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Murphy have been compiled and are listed below.

Sincerely,

O.B. Joyful

Manager, Wal-Mart

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MEMO: RE: Mr. Murphy - Complaints - Things Mr. Murphy has done while his spouse was shopping in our store:


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the restrooms.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares..... And watched what happened.


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.


6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.


7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.


8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began to cry and ask, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'


9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as
a mirror, and picked his nose.


10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were.


11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.


12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.


13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"


14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again! "



And; last, but not least!



15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and
waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper
in here!"

[Tirconnell]

My mailbox is flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal
immigrants. Since I've become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc., I've elected to solve both my gas and illegal immigrant problems myself.


I've hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper
than buying gas. Then, I pay them in pesos so they have to go home to spend it.
Man, I love it when a plan comes together!

[grasshopper]

Nothing bad, just have a good laugh
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