If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you.
I was crying by the end. This is a so called actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off inTexas.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. Read it all. Do not skip any sections.
Do not skip ahead.
Pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
Note: For those of you who have lived inTexas, you know how true this is.
CHILI, TEXAS STYLE !!!
Note from Frank: "Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm
from Springfield, IL)
I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original
judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light beer booth, when
the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that even though I was inexperienced as a Chili taster, the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy. Besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 -AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3-- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3-- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.
Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.
I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my
lips anymore.
I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3.
He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the
chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
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