Attached Images

unknown.jpg (65.7 KB)

You have to check out the Spyder's bar & grille thread for details!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

Attached Images

An Acorn cap with the nut still attached !!.jpg (12.5 KB)

The result of too much free time on your hands. :biggrin1:
Or..."End of a sucessful cyber hunting trip"? :noidea:

Attached Images

Building.jpg (51.2 KB)

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.
When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied that there were six.
The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, 'What is it?'
The husband said, ‘She also stole a can of peas.’

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best
to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who
knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty..
You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of20an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped
us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who ****ed up your hair?"

:biggrin1: Who??? ME??? :fishing: :fish2:

Attached Images

image001.jpg (93.5 KB)

:rockon: Tue Nov 10, 9:53 AM c/p


LONDON (AFP) - A British couple whose sex sessions were so noisy that neighbours could not sleep, heard in court how their marathon romps sounded like someone being murdered, media reports said on Tuesday.

ADVERTISEMENT

Steve and Caroline Cartwright's "howling" lovemaking sounded "unnatural", "hysterical" and "like they are both in inconsiderable pain", Newcastle Crown Court heard.


A 10-minute recording of their sex sessions was played out before a judge and two magistrates in the court, where the case continued on Tuesday.


Neighbours in Washington, south of Newcastle, complained about the noise -- as did a woman who walked past the house taking her child to school, and the postman.


The couple were banned from "shouting, screaming or vocalisation at such a level as to be a statutory nuisance," but now Caroline Cartwright, 48, is appealing against her conviction for breaching a noise abatement notice.


Next-door neighbour Rachel O'Connor said: "It's just quite unnatural.


"The noise sounds like they are both in inconsiderable pain.


"I cannot describe the noise. Totally excessive and I have never ever heard anything like it.


"I put my television in my bedroom on as loud as it could go and they drown it out."


The local council set up special equipment in O'Connor's flat and recorded noise levels of between 30 to 40 decibels, peaking at 47.


Marion Dixon, a council environmental health manager, took notes which said: "I heard a male voice howling loudly, which I felt was very unnerving."


She said when the couple were confronted by the council, "Mr Cartwright held his head in his hands but Mrs Cartwright seemed to find it quite amusing."


Dixon's colleague Pamela Spark called the noise "hysterical, almost continuous, just screaming.


"I found it very disturbing and I noted that it sounded like she was being murdered.


"It was very alarming."


Caroline Cartwright said she was unable to stop the noises.


"I tried to control it. I even tried to use a pillow to try and lessen the noise," she said.


"I have tried to minimise the situation by having sex in the morning -- not at night -- so the noise was not waking anybody."

:yo: check this out :biggrin1:

Yahoo!

You have to try this aleast once PYZAM - Tic-Tac-Toe

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

1. 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
2. 7 have been arrested for fraud
3. 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
4. 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
5. 3 have done time for assault
6. 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
7. 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8. 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
9. 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
10. 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line

Man, I'll tell ya, women are cold until the end!
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those *****es sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'